Tag: perinatal mental health

Rebecca

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Founder of Iris Doula Care, Birth Doula

Griffin, Georgia

I knew from a young age that I wanted to be involved in birth work. At age 10 years old I was able to witness the birth of my younger sister. It was not the plan for me to attend. My mother’s quick labor, lack of babysitters and wildly different hospital policies than today made this possible. And while this experience would have scarred some young people, it lit a fire inside of me.

I found my passion early and began to pursue it, serving expecting women. It was not until the births of my own children that I realized how proper support is vital during birth and postpartum. You see, each of my births were vastly different. This has allowed me to view birth, postpartum and even loss in multiple lights.

  My first born came earth side at 40 weeks and 4/7 days. We attempted natural induction methods at home and we tried all the things. I mean ALL of them! From my experience, castor oil was not the best route to take. While it did kick start labor, I was not effaced enough for things to progress smoothly. About mid-way through my labor, we discovered that he was occiput posterior or “sunny side up” which contributed to progression being slow and painful. After thirty long hours of contractions, I chose to have an epidural and it picked up quickly. I mean, I still pushed for two hours, but in spite of the ups and downs, I was able to birth him OP after thirty-eight hours of labor.

  My second pregnancy, unfortunately, did not come to full fruition as I miscarried at 10 weeks gestation. I went to my local ER around 10:00 pm after speaking with my midwife about spotting I was having. We waited to be seen for hours. My spotting changed drastically to large amounts of bleeding while waiting in the ER. When I asked for assistance the staff offered me nothing, not even something that I was able to change into. I was told, “we see blood all of the time. It’s not an emergency”. The intake nurse also told me that she had personally had multiple miscarriages and that they were “no big deal”. I’m uncertain as to why she thought that was appropriate to say to a mother who was terrified about losing her baby. If that was not enough, I was also trying to contact my boss who was out of state on vacation. When I finally reached her to let her know what was happening she said, “I’m on vacation. You will need to find someone to cover your shifts”. At the time I worked for a maternity clothing store. I never returned to work.

The ER doctor conducted an ultrasound that showed the baby only measuring 6 weeks and I had likely lost it weeks ago. I was able to leave the ER after that traumatic experience and release everything in the comfort of my home. Though I would come to conceive my rainbow baby, the baby I lost that night forever remains in my heart and will never be replaced.

   My third pregnancy and second full term birth was a whirlwind. I chose to be cared for by a midwifery group during this pregnancy and was pleased at how attentive they were to me. They found my baby to be OP (again!) around 37 weeks gestation. I spent the next few weeks trying all the tricks in the book to get baby in prime birthing position. It was not until I visited the chiropractor, whose adjustment immediately provided me relief, that baby moved into the occiput anterior position. I was had my adjustment at 9:00 am and by 2:00 pm contractions began. They continued on into the night and gained intensity with every hour. We made our way to the hospital when I began groaning that was coming from deep within. I was sure I was going to have him in the car.

We arrived at the hospital and I was 6 centimeters dilated. I begged the midwife for an epidural and she informed me that I most likely did not have time. As I moved from the triage room to the birthing suite and was transitioning on the walk over. When the midwife broke my water, my baby decided he wanted to come too. The midwife began to yell for assistance, basically holding him inside until she had an extra pair of hands in the room! Moments later and medication free, I delivered our second baby boy. My labor time was drastically reduced by my baby being in the correct position for delivery. I always recommend people seeing a chiropractor during pregnancy for this very reason.

My fourth and final pregnancy was quite an adventure. I had a tougher time with morning sickness and fatigue, but attributed it to being a mother of two young boys. After finding out we were having a girl, our hearts were filled with joy! The rest of the pregnancy moved along smoothly until I had an ultrasound during my 35-week appointment. I had never had this done with my previous pregnancies, but they were concerned about the presentation of my belly upon palpation. I am so very thankful that an ultrasound was performed because it was found that our baby was in the frank breech position and that my amniotic fluid index was exceptionally low, (4 on a scale of 1-10). My midwife sent me to the labor and delivery unit to be monitored and receive fluids two days before Thanksgiving. Thankfully, my baby was showing no signs of distress during our stay. I was released to home in the morning to continue with rest and increasing my oral fluids. The plan was for me to return for a follow-up on Saturday to have another AFI and NST.

I rested as much as I could over the holiday and even able to squeeze in an appointment with my chiropractor who attempted to assist baby into optimum positioning. When I returned on Saturday, which also happened to be my birthday, baby was still in a breech position and my AFI had decreased again. Because of the findings, it was recommended that she be delivered that day at 36 weeks gestation for her wellbeing. I immediately began being prepped for a cesarean delivery and while unexpected, received the most wonderful birthday gift in my arms a couple hours later.

I found my c-section birth to be my most difficult for various reasons. The ones most prominent in my mind are the spinal tap caused me to itch uncontrollably all over my body and was quite painful. I also had a skin reaction from the steri-strips along my scar line. While I am thankful for modern interventions in times like these, I was disappointed with how difficult my recovery was. It was so different from my vaginal births. I had not realized all the different struggles that can come along with birthing this way.

My variety of births has given me perspective that no everyone possesses. And while I did not plan it this way, I consider it to be a privilege. My stories can help past and future mothers, and/or families who are experiencing a similar situation. I hope to use my personal experience in providing the most exceptional care for the birthing community.

Heather

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Labor & Delivery RN, Founder of A Life in Labor, Co-Creator of Loving Your Labor Academy

Riverside, California

I became a labor and delivery nurse fresh out of college with almost no experience in childbearing or motherhood. But as I encouraged and assisted new persons to bring their babies into the world, my passion for pregnancy and birth grew more and more every day. It wasn’t until I was pregnant with my first baby, two years into my career, that I realized how much more there was to childbirth. What I saw in the labor room was just the beginning.

Laboring with mothers as a full-time career, I thought I knew it all. I thought that I understood what it meant to give birth. I thought that I knew what I needed to do in order to have the unmedicated birth that I wanted. After my water broke at home at 1.5 cm dilated and getting an epidural at 4cm, I realized I was wrong.

Bringing my baby home for the first time was a shock. Again, I had experience with newborn babies, and I felt like I was born to be a mother. In my heart of hearts, I knew that I could be an incredible mother. The problem? Having a newborn baby was so much harder and mentally taxing than I could have ever imagined. Even with all the education and advice others had given me.

My baby seemed to never sleep. He had terrible infant acid reflux, throwing up what seemed like his entire feed every time I nursed him. He always seemed to be fussy and uncomfortable. As a result, I found myself suffering from postpartum anxiety feeling like I was unable to do the right thing for him. The anxiety was confusing and terrifying. Each night when I should have been asleep, I was google-searching “Is this normal” for every little thing my baby or I was experiencing throughout our fourth trimester.

As I tried to overcome the struggles of new motherhood, I constantly found myself on blogs and mommy groups online. I was searching desperately for someone to say, “me too”, “I went through that too”, “yes, your story sounds like mine and this is how I got through it”. Unfortunately, I never found those responses I desperately needed to hear. Everything I was finding were sugar-coated stories of newborn heaven or advice that sounded like eventually, it gets easier. There was no real advice about what to do in the meantime, during the struggle.

It was about nine months after delivery when I had overcome my postpartum anxiety and finally found my groove as a new mom. One day, my husband and I were walking down the street at our local outdoor mall when my eyes met with another mother. She was pushing a stroller that carried a newborn baby. When we were looking at each other, I felt like I could feel her struggle. She didn’t look upset or have tears in her eyes. She simply looked like a tired new mom… exactly as I did. Totally put together on the outside but struggling on the inside. I just wanted to reach out and say “I know what you’re going through. How can I help?”.

My husband noticed me smile at her and said something that changed me forever. He said “It’s like moms have an unspoken connection where they know what each other is going through with just a quick glance. It’s like they have to say ‘Hello’. Moms are just…connected”. In that moment I made a decision that I had never even thought about prior. I said to my husband, “I think I’m going to start a blog”. 

After that day, I started recalling the things that I needed when I was pregnant, preparing for labor, and trying to make it through a stormy new motherhood experience. I started writing blog posts from my heart. They were always monster blog posts that seemed to never end. I had so much on my mind and in my heart that I wanted to share. I told myself that if even one new mom came across this blog in search of help and guidance, I felt like I had accomplished something meaningful.

Let’s fast forward to when I got pregnant with my second son. This pregnancy came after two consecutive miscarriages. My heart changed in this period of time because of my losses. I made the decision that I would dedicate time to becoming empowered and embrace my ability as a woman to carry and birth my baby in a way that I knew I was meant to.

I did my research. I submerged myself into as many resources as I could to prepare my body and mind for a successful unmedicated birth…and I did it. I had the birth that I wanted, and I felt like a superwoman. I felt so fortunate that everything flowed the way that I wanted it to, because of what I experienced with my first labor and seen so many times in my work.

The confidence that I had in this pregnancy overflowed into my birth and then continued to grow in the newborn stage with my new baby. I had confidence in myself, my body, and my baby. My outcome this time around inspired me to reach out to moms in a whole new way. I had already been sharing my experience with pregnancy, birth, and the fourth trimester but I felt like there was an even greater need in empowerment around these things. 

After the birth of my second baby, I made it my mission to empower as many women in their ability to carry, birth, and feed their babies with confidence and allowing their bodies to lead the way. 

As fate would have it, as I created a labor and birth course called Loving Your Labor Academy, COVID-19 hit the world forcing everyone to find resources online. In this time, I connected with so many new moms who were searching online for someone to help them in their time of need. I could not have ever imagined how many lives I would impact when my goal a short time ago was to simply help one new mom. I’ve helped thousands of new moms-to-be achieve a birth that they felt good about and look back on with love. 

I have been amazed how a moment in my life, that I interpreted as one of the hardest experiences I have ever gone through, can end up being the catalyst that has connected and positively impacted so many lives around the world. 

I am so thankful for being a birth worker. I have a driving passion for helping and empowering women just as I needed when I was in their shoes.

Hi, my name is Kim & I love birth.
I have been a Registered Nurse for ten years, with the last five specializing in Labor & Delivery.
I love human connection & the art of story telling. I believe it can be a major catalyst for change.
I would love to help you share your story or advice so that we may better support each other and the people we care for. 

Do you love birth? Heck yeah you do!

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Jasmin

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Jasmin

Founder of More Than Maternal, Masters in Business Administration

Wilmington, North Carolina

Pregnancy was never part of the equation, at least not at the time it wasn’t.

My life was in the ultimate transition when we found out that we were pregnant. I was a new graduate student who was newly moved, newly employed, and newly engaged while on the rocks with my fiancé. And to add icing on the cake my fiancé (who’s in the military) was just informed that he was ordered to deploy to Japan for six months. Not only did it mean that he would be away for most of my pregnancy; but that I would also be alone working in North Carolina, pursuing my MBA, while attempting to heal a fractured relationship from thousands of miles away. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. I was confused for multiple reasons (one because our birth control failed us), unprepared, and wasn’t sure I had the strength to handle all of this on my own.

I was very scared.  We both were. So much so, to the point where I decided to seek alternative options. I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood to consider what options were available for us. There we received our first ultrasound that officially confirmed our pregnancy. There are many people who have strong opinions on organizations like Planned Parenthood; but as a woman, I can only speak to my experience alone. For someone who felt lost and confused, it was there that I received my first level of support and education when it came to my reproductive rights. I never once was pressured to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with it. As I recall the doctor saying, “we will always be here, take the time you need to make sure you truly want to do this. This is your decision and yours alone. We know how hard this can be and we are here to support you with whichever decision you decide to make”. Those were the words that I desperately needed to hear. It was supportive, it was compassionate, and it was empowering. Most importantly, it wasn’t judgmental, and it reminded me that I am ultimately the one that is in control. It gave me the agency to realize that no matter how overwhelming these next nine months might be, I had the willpower, strength, and faith to pursue this new journey.

I soon realized that there were so many things to do in such a little amount of time that I didn’t know where to start. My schedule did not afford me the time to read pregnancy blogs, watch YouTube videos of pregnancy “must haves”, or dissect pregnancy articles that were mostly based in personal opinion.

The advice I received from family members were valuable, but also outdated. Doctor’s visits were centered on my baby and less so on me. I slowly felt like people weren’t seeing me as Jasmin, but more so as a vessel for this beautiful growing baby. My values of career, ambition, fun, and free spirit were being dimmed by everyone’s growing value (and concern) of my baby. It all started to feel like a zero-sum game where I needed to choose either my identity or my baby, making little room for both to harmoniously coexist. Working too hard at work or school left me with feelings of “don’t overdo it, you don’t want to add stress to the baby”. And sleeping the whole day would leave feelings of guilt and self-talk of “I could/should be doing x y z right now.” I felt like I had to choose one over the other but could never have both.

It wasn’t until I was introduced to pregnancy’s two best friends-surrender and intuition- that I finally understood the power of pregnancy, and ultimately myself.

Surrender means to yield power, control, and possession of another upon compulsion. Surrendering taught me that I was holding onto the power of other’s people’s opinions, the control of maintaining an image of feminine perfection, and the possession of my inner struggles. I needed to surrender all of these things so that I could fully embrace my transformation. Intuition means to understand and know something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. This gave me the permission to trust my ability to go inward for answers instead of looking outward. I found that looking outside for answers was leaving me with self-doubt, procrastination, and worry. Thinking with my body and spirit allowed me to trust my internal compass of judgement and discernment. It gave me the confidence to speak up, ask questions, and question others when I felt that something was array with me or my baby. These two virtues that once were dormant, were now louder and prouder than ever. It empowered me, directed me, and nurtured me. Ultimately it gave me the autonomy to see not just in me, but in every woman, how powerful and capable we all are. 

This lesson was also a foreshadow of what I needed to harness for my labor. Like most moms, I felt relatively prepared to deliver my baby. My birth plan was ready, my hospital bag was packed, and my fiancé finally returned home. The distance in our relationship was needed time away for us to carefully reflect, acknowledge our challenges, and heal ourselves separately. We didn’t know it at the time, but it was the best thing that could’ve happened for our relationship. We reunited better than when we left and were ready to heal our relationship together and united.

What we were not prepared for was that a life in North Carolina was prime for hurricanes, and there was a massive one coming our way. Hurricane Florence, a category 4 hurricane, was set to cross our path and cause major damage. All women, 36 weeks pregnant and further, were required to evacuate immediately. This meant driving to my in-laws in Delaware and possibly having the baby there. Not the plan! Those scary feelings, similar to when I first found out I was pregnant soon began to rear their nasty heads. Yet this time I had self-confidence, surrender, and intuition on my side. Although still there, those feelings in no way overcame me like they did the first time. This time I felt calm, knowing, and internally strong. No matter what was going to happen, I knew deeply that me and my baby were going to be okay.

Two weeks later and one week past my due date, we were on our way back from Delaware and on to the hospital. I walked into an induced labor, artificial breaking of my waters, an epidural, and stalled contractions at nine centimeters. This ultimately landed me in a c-section for my delivery. All my steps through labor were manufactured, never ever considered by me or written in my birth plan, and completely out of my control. Everything that I had planned did not go as planned (I hope you see a theme here 😊).

Was it hard? Yes. Was it disappointing?  Yes. Do I wish I prepared differently? Yes. Did I cry a lot? Yes. But did I trust the situation and my intuition enough to surrender to the process? Yes. Did I ultimately deliver a beautiful and healthy baby boy? Yes. Did I come out as a healthy and happy mom? Yes, and yes.

The things that I once feared are now my weapons of strength and measures of growth. I successfully received my MBA from Duke University, work in Early Education nonprofit, am happily married, have a beautiful support system here in North Carolina; and all while having more compassion, self-confidence, and understanding of myself.  

All in all, the pregnancy journey was truly that- a journey. The highs, the lows, the “a ha” moments, the transformations; are all factors in showing a woman the power that is within her. Which is what ultimately led me to create a practical and compassionate app solution called More Than Maternal.

More Than Maternal was created for women with busy lifestyles to nurture and prepare them fully and confidently for the arrival of their baby. It uses four intentions: mindset (mental wellness & building connections), money (financial planning & assessments), means (employment planning & workplace adjustment), and mission (self-advocacy & maternity rights) so that women feel centered, prepared, and powerful as they navigate their daily lives while pregnant.

The pregnancy journey is unique and I know that my journey was for me and me alone. But I also understand the similarities we face as well. It is my hope that my story and shared experiences will continue to unite women in support, education, compassion, and self-love. 

Angela

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Founder of La Luna Counseling and Wellness – Master of Arts, Licensed Professional Counselor

Avon-by-the-Sea, New Jersey

I gave birth to my son in August 2017. I had a magical idea of what childbirth would be. As most seasoned mothers would know, we can’t control everything that will come, and I was mistaken. I was in labor for a total of twenty-three hours. Twenty-two of those hours were without an epidural. When they finally were able to give me one, I was 9 cm dilated. The epidural was of course unable to fully kick in by the time I was holding my baby boy. Upon the final push and hearing his cry, he was taken from me and put in an incubator. I was unaware that I had developed an infection during my labor. My water had been broken for too long and as a result, I had a fever that reached 103 degrees. My baby boy Tony had a fever like me from being in utero as I was developing chorioamnionitis. Within fifteen minutes of being earth side, Tony’s fever subsided, and I was given antibiotics.

I had “baby blues” for the first two weeks along with the typical sleep deprivation. He had colic and was hard to console. Anyone who has had to deal with a colic baby knows the pain. I was unhappy and short tempered, but I thought it was normal. I had an unhappy baby who would cry for no reason, so why would I be happy? After about six months things finally began to simmer down. His colic went away, and I began feeling like myself again. I wish I knew then what I know now. Those feelings I was experiencing were actually postpartum depression, but I suffered in silence.

After my son turned two, I was ready to try for a second baby. I figured if I could handle one, how hard could one more really be? When I became pregnant, I had more mood swings and anger then I did with my first. I chocked it up to other life stressors we were having, like moving homes and the stress of handling a toddler and living during a global pandemic.

I had created a birth plan for this delivery, but it went sideways just as the first did. Because of COVID-19, my doctors wanted to induce me. They wanted to get me in and out of the hospital as quick as possible. By minimizing the amount of time, we were there, it reduced the chance of us picking the virus and the hospital was short staffed due to increased cases. I never wanted to be induced. This caused my anxiety to rise significantly. I hoped and prayed that she would just come naturally without needing an induction.

I attempted to bring labor on naturally, but nothing worked, and I had to be induced. Part of my birth plan that was slightly different than my first was to have a doula help guide me through labor. I was unable to have my doula with me because of the restrictions from the pandemic. Thankfully I was able to have my husband unlike some neighboring hospitals who were not allowing any support people. I tried to see how long I could go without an epidural since I didn’t feel that I needed it with my first labor. I labored for a total of 8 hours. The contractions felt like they were faster, more intense because of using additional medications to progress labor. I ended up asking for an epidural, but the anesthesiologist could not place it. She poked at my spine five times without success. By the time she finally accessed the epidural space I was relieved emotionally, but physically felt the same. I had one leg that was a little numb, but it didn’t feel like the contractions were any more manageable. They said they could attempt to replace the epidural, but that was an unbearable pain I didn’t want to go through again.

About an hour after that horrifying experience, I was pushing. On April 9, 2020 I gave birth to my daughter, Luna Rose.  When she was 24 hours old, I was sitting at home on my couch with her. I was able to stay in the hospital for three days when I had my son. I had family members coming to visit with balloons and gifts. Where I delivered, birthing during the pandemic felt as if the hospital staff was shooing me out as soon as I was crowning. While I was thankful to be home, away from Covid & with my other child, I don’t know that I was fully prepared before I was discharged. I thought to myself it was just nerves. I’ve handled newborn stress before; I can do it again. The baby blues paired with sleep deprivation brought me back to the same place, but it felt more intense and overwhelming. After the first two weeks I thought these feelings would subside, but they didn’t.

I was crying nonstop. I was dreading getting out of bed when Luna would cry. The intrusive thoughts were becoming louder and louder. I knew something was not right. I told my husband one night that I felt he adjusted to becoming a parent of two better than I had. I felt that my children were better off being raised with him then they were with me.

I was planning on packing my bags and leaving to give them a better life. Through my tears, I planned out my escape and wanted to let him know that this was goodbye. My husband realized this was not normal and couldn’t attribute it to sleep deprivation anymore.

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. Being able to speak the words out loud was possibly the most difficult for me. We always want to be strong and power through, not expose our weakness. It may have been because of the stigma associated with postpartum depression and anxiety, or because it’s hard to be honest with yourself when you are having challenging moments in life. I finally had the courage to stand up and speak my truth but wanting help and finding the help were two different battles.

I spoke to my OBGYN, but I felt as if they didn’t know how to handle this behavior. I was referred to the only phone number my doctor had. It was a free service in my area, but they were inundated with clients because of the pandemic. I felt like an anonymous value on a list with hundreds of others.  There was such disconnect on Zoom; I couldn’t tell if my therapist even truly heard me. I wondered if other people were possibly going through this as well. A light bulb went off in my head. I wanted to help other people who were experiencing the same challenges as me.

This became my motivation for getting better. I was already a licensed therapist, but I wanted to help support people in their pregnancy and postpartum period. I began taking classes, trainings and working on becoming a state certified Perinatal Mood Disorder Specialist. I opened La Luna Counseling and Wellness in September 2020. My advice to those who are pregnant or have birthed recently is to be honest with yourself and get help when you know something isn’t feeling right. There are others out there who are going through the same thing as you. We can support each other.

Hi, my name is Kim & I love birth.
I have been a Registered Nurse for ten years, with the last five specializing in Labor & Delivery.
I love human connection & the art of story telling. I believe it can be a major catalyst for change.
I would love to help you share your story or advice so that we may better support each other and the people we care for. 

Do you love birth? Heck yeah you do!

Don’t miss our weekly story. Subscribe below to get new stories & advice delivered directly to your inbox.

Jasmine

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Labor & Delivery RN – Perinatal Loss Certification (in progress)

Concord, CA

I’ve always been someone who finds joy in helping others. Especially with accomplishing goals that they aren’t able to do alone. After I had my twins via a scheduled cesarean section, I was left wanting more. Baby A was breech, so surgery was schedule for 38 weeks gestation. I ended up being sick with the flu and was contracting away so it was decided to deliver them at that, a week early. I always planned on having two children and felt complete in that, but I didn’t have the chance to experience birth the way I had hoped to. I personally wanted an unmedicated vaginal delivery.  

I had donated eggs back in my twenties, so I already had some knowledge about surrogacy. When my kids were three years old and after doing more research, I decided to start my own surrogate journey.

During my first surrogacy, I carried for a couple who have been through years of infertility with no success. This was their second child, and the mother had a traumatic complication after the first birth. Our relationship during this journey was strained. There was a tremendous amount of anxiety and control to the table because of her past experiences. It was very difficult for her to trust me. Thankfully, I had an easy pregnancy and an even easier delivery. I was induced at 41 weeks for post-dates. I accomplished my VBAC and birthed a healthy baby. After the delivery, we parted ways and have never spoken again.

Although I was able to have the birth experience I hoped for, I still was left wanting more from my surrogate experience. While trying to come to terms with the fact that I would never do it again slowly changed to me exploring for another surrogate couple. This time around, while looking I had very specific parameters of who I wanted to help conceive a baby. I was quickly matched with two wonderful men who lived only an hour away. This would be their first baby. When we met, we instantly had a connection and quickly became friends through the process.

This pregnancy was more difficult overall, probably because I was older and carrying a different baby. It was very different than my previous two pregnancies. Instead of having to be induced, like with my first surrogacy, I spontaneously went into labor when my water broke pretty close to my due date. When I arrived at the hospital, I was 4 cm dilated and strongly contracting. There was no reason to believe that my labor wouldn’t go quickly and easily. With the last delivery I decided to get an epidural at 6 cm. This time I was hoping once again that I might be able to go natural, expecting the delivery to be faster. After six painful IV sticks, I gave in and got the epidural so I could rest.

I progressed slowly. Eventually I ended up with an intrauterine monitor and a fetal scalp electrode. I was augmented with Pitocin to help labor continue moving forward. The baby didn’t seem to be doing as well and then suddenly, there was another issue.

I began having terrible pain across my midsection that radiated up to my left shoulder. Compared to my labor contractions from all my pregnancies, this felt very different. I talked with the nurses, the midwife and the doctor. I told them all that things didn’t feel right and just before this I was tolerating my contractions well. This constant soreness, it was more painful even in between the contractions. They checked for the baby’s position and looked for internal bleeding with the ultrasound multiple times. There was no evidence of things being amiss, so we kept proceeding with a vaginal birth.

Before I knew it I was complete and ready to push. I pushed with all of my strength, but nothing was happening. This was unsettling because with my previous vaginal delivery I only pushed for one hour. I felt like my body was out of sync with my efforts. Pushing didn’t feel effective and the baby wasn’t moving down. Almost four hours later, I still hadn’t delivered. The doctor asked the fathers if they can use a vacuum to help baby out. I deferred the decision-making over to them because I was in no state to make decisions. I could barely speak because I was in so much pain.

They attempted a vacuum delivery through several pushes, giving breaks in between to allow me to push without the vacuum. Although it is standard to do three pulls or three pop offs with the vacuum, five total pulls with pop offs were attempted. I knew this was wrong, but I was determined to get this baby out of me that I just kept going. Ultimately a c-section was called, and I was rolled into the OR. I was writhing in the bed and couldn’t even stay still enough to keep my legs on the table. It was decided that my epidural wasn’t working well enough to use it for the surgery, and I was put under general anesthesia for the delivery.

My wife and the two dads were sitting back in my hospital room with no idea how myself or the baby was doing. It turned out that when they got into my abdomen, I did indeed have a uterine rupture which was my gut feeling all along. The baby’s APGAR scores were very low, and he was sent over to Children’s Hospital to undergo cooling to preserve brain tissue and treat a very deep hematoma on his head. The dads didn’t want to see him until they knew that I was going to be okay. Luckily, we both survived and today that baby is three years old. He is beautiful, giant and speaks three different languages. Thank God he suffers no ill effects from the events of that day. 

Recovery from the uterine rupture was different. Overall, it took about the same amount of time, but my body felt different. What caused the rupture is also what saved my life. The scar from my previous c-section had poorly healed and had very little blood exchange between the edges of the scar. This caused it to open easily, but also kept my bleeding to a minimum. Which might have been why it was difficult to identify on ultrasound. It allowed me to keep my uterus, although I should not ever carry again.

I continue to be an advocate for trial of labor after cesarean and vaginal birth after cesarean, but I am much more cautious when listening to my moms and my own gut. I requested my hospital records after this day. I wanted to have an idea of what the providers were thinking when I was reporting my symptoms. From what I can gather, my symptoms were being rationalized and nobody seemed able to call out the elephant in the room. The parents of the baby boy told me they saw the fear on everyone’s faces when doing the vacuum. My gut feeling is that if one person would’ve spoken up, the events could have been very different.

This delivery occurred at a different hospital than I work at. After doing some research, I found out that the hospital does not do any sort of debrief of adverse events or outcomes. No legal action was taken against the hospital, but what I really wished was that a peer review and debrief could’ve been done. I wanted to know that perhaps the staff could have learned from this experience. Most of the time VBACs are done very safely and are successful. I was the exception to this rule.

I know this has changed my nursing perspective and I hope it has made me a better nurse. I’ve promised myself to listen to my patients and my gut when something just doesn’t seem right. Always follow your instincts and hopefully you have an advocate in the room that can speak up when you were unable to.

Hi, my name is Kim & I love birth.
I have been a Registered Nurse for ten years, with the last five specializing in Labor & Delivery.
I love human connection & the art of story telling. I believe it can be a major catalyst for change.
I would love to help you share your story or advice so that we may better support each other and the people we care for. 

Do you love birth? Heck yeah you do!

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Whitney

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Founder of Nurture Birth – Birth Doula

Newport Beach, CA

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would build something that has become so impactful for the women in my community. I am the founder of Nurture Birth. It all began with the birth of my first child over ten years ago.

I didn’t know I had choices. I didn’t know I had a voice. I didn’t know that my thoughts or feelings mattered in the process. I did whatever I was told and was induced at 41 weeks for no reason other than “it’s time.”

I don’t remember my birth as being traumatic, but I also don’t feel that I was fully present. I felt disconnected. I know I was at my birth, but a disassociation took place which I’m sure contributed to my undiagnosed postpartum depression and anxiety. The lack of support we receive in the fourth trimester, I was determined to do things different when I found out I was pregnant with my second son.

I educated myself on all my options. I made a birth plan and discussed it with my provider. I took a Hypnobabies class and hired a birth doula. The experience was life changing and helped me on my path to recovery from my first birth. But the real healing didn’t happen until I brought my youngest son earth side at home. My journey was supported by midwives who are now dear friends and I am blessed to work alongside. It changed the way I view birth. It changed the way I view how this beautiful process changes women. How we live, learn and grow.

Fast forward eight years. After leaving an abusive marriage while I was a stay at home mom, I began my journey into birth work. I needed to support my family. I initially jumped back into my fashion career. I had been out of the business for so long. It was so fun in my twenties, but I couldn’t leave my babies now to do something that didn’t fill my soul. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know what to do or where to begin. But I called my midwives from years before.

I said, “I want to be a doula”. They held space for me, supported me, and helped me get on my feet. I began working at a local birthing center which became an invaluable experience that I am forever grateful for. I was able to learn from the best. Under their wings I was a part of 35 births during my first year. 

After 106 births, (yes, I count each one) my own doula business was expanding so fast that I was unable to keep up. I had to leave the place that put me on this trajectory and focus solely on my own work. I cried on the phone with my mentor telling her how heartbroken I was to leave, but I had to grow. I was being called to do more.

I felt entirely supported to continue to impact the lives of those around me, but with this leap I was able to delve deep into changing the way we doula. How we hold space for people during this transformative time. On recovering from past trauma before entering birth. On the true healing that birth can bring. I am forever grateful to be able to share this sacred time with my clients. 

Today I am a birth doula, a birth assistant, an energy worker and run a doula mentorship program. I have been able to expand Nurture Birth from one doula to bringing on multiple birth doulas, as well as postpartum doulas, newborn care specialists, and an IBCLC. We have grown into a collective group of women passionate about comprehensive care, holding space for women during pregnancy, birth, postpartum and beyond. 

Hi, my name is Kim & I love birth.
I have been a Registered Nurse for ten years, with the last five specializing in Labor & Delivery.
I love human connection & the art of story telling. I believe it can be a major catalyst for change.
I would love to help you share your story or advice so that we may better support each other and the people we care for. 

Do you love birth? Heck yeah you do!

Don’t miss our weekly story. Subscribe below to get new stories & advice delivered directly to your inbox.

Emily

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Registered Nurse, Labor & Delivery

Denver, Colorado

I have loved birth, and known I wanted to help women deliver their babies, for as long as I can remember. As a child, I watched ‘A Baby Story’ instead of cartoons, played OB-GYN and patient with my little sister and assisted with a thousand “births” as my baby dolls were pulled out from under shirts. I always thought of pregnancy and birth as healthy and happy experiences. It wasn’t until I experienced my trauma that I realized the sad, painful part of making new life – but also just how important empathy and support are during those times.

Almost exactly 10 years ago, the October of my sophomore year of college, I had a miscarriage. I didn’t know I was pregnant. I was on the pill and had been very consistent about taking it. No missed period, no morning sickness – no signs of pregnancy. What I thought was just an especially painful period and menstrual cramps turned into the worst pain of my life in a few short hours. I called my closest friend who had a car, sobbing, asking her to drive me to the emergency room. I told her I was bleeding a lot and didn’t know why. She showed up 5 minutes later with a huge stack of towels, a hot water bottle and sped me to the ER.

I don’t remember much before the doctor came in to talk to me. The pain was so intense I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I peed in a cup and dozed (thanks to the strong pain medication they gave me) while the nurse drew my blood. Someone put clean pads underneath me and cleared away the bloody ones. I still did not know what was happening. My friend held my hand in silence the entire time.

A young doctor came in and stood just inside the curtain. He didn’t sit down, he didn’t come close to me or show any emotion. He gave me his scripted speech he had obviously rehearsed & said many times before to other women. He told me I was having a miscarriage and that we needed to be sure “all of the products of conception” came out or I could develop a life-threatening infection. He breezed over the miscarriage part, even though for me it was the most important part. He dove straight into treatment and the risks of not doing anything. I was stunned, foggy from the pain medication and intense discomfort I was still feeling. I left the ER with a little bottle with a few pills in it – something to make me “fully miscarry.” My friend drove me back to her house in silence as I stared at the bottle. She made up her couch and tucked me into bed while I cried, from pain, from shock, from loss of the baby I didn’t even know I had growing inside me. I cried because of how insensitive the doctor had been. I cried because I had not even known I was pregnant. It was double the shock of growing and then immediately losing a little person. I cried because of what might have been (a baby), as scary as an unplanned pregnancy at twenty years old is.

I survived the next few days after taking the pills thanks to this friend, and my mama, who dropped everything to drive the 3 hours to stay with me that weekend. It wasn’t until my own miscarriage that my mom told me about hers. It was like I became a member of a club no one wants to join – but one that has deep connection and understanding. My mom told me about the babies she had lost, all the pregnancies ended exactly like mine. It wasn’t until these conversations that I truly processed what had happened, what I had endured and lost. She validated my experience by truly understanding it.

It was the support of these two women, my dear friend and my mama, that got me through my miscarriage a decade ago. It was having someone hold my hand, or gently touch my ankle so I knew she was right there with me – all the while saying nothing. Just being there.

A lot has happened in my life over the last ten years. I fulfilled my life-long goal of “delivering babies” by becoming a labor and delivery nurse. I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life. It is truly my calling – not just because of my lifelong love of the happy and exciting parts of pregnancy and birth, but also thanks to my own painful experience with miscarriage. I learned a fundamental lesson that night in the ER: losing a baby, regardless of the situation, is always traumatic. And the most important thing is feeling supported on a personal level, and to have your feelings validated (even if you “think” they should be different”).

For a long time in modern medicine, a lot of stock has been put in stifling emotions – especially when giving patients bad news. Doctors are expected to tell a woman her baby has no heartbeat, but not cry with them. But we are learning (actually re-learning) that psychological health is inextricably linked with physical health. We have to support someone’s mental health just as much as their healing body and soul. That in fact we should cry with our patients, if that’s what feels right to do so. And I know this is a fact, thanks to both my personal and professional experience. I know that I was able to heal from my miscarriage experience mostly thanks to the nurturing, unconditional support and validation I received from my friend and mother. I know that my patients who are experiencing perinatal loss (miscarriage, stillbirth, etc) need these things just as much as I did.

It is my privilege and passion to help these women in all the ways I needed during my loss.

Hi, my name is Kim & I love birth.
I have been a Registered Nurse for ten years, with the last five specializing in Labor & Delivery.
I love human connection & the art of story telling. I believe it can be a major catalyst for change.
I would love to help you share your story or advice so that we may better support each other and the people we care for. 

Do you love birth? Heck yeah you do!

Don’t miss our weekly story. Subscribe below to get new stories & advice delivered directly to your inbox.